There are few things in life which make me happier than realizing one of my friends has changed their relationship status. I personally prefer breakups — not just because I am an asshole — but because they are generally bittersweet. You have to understand that changing one’s relationship status on Facebook is almost like etching the fate of two star-crossed lovers in molten lava. It’s the next step of breakup. There’s the breakup, and then there’s the official Facebook breakup. I like to call it Breakup 2.0.

I am particularly fond of Facebook breakups because it gives relationship voyeurs like myself the chance to peg each couple’s demise down to a specific time. This was never possible in Breakup 1.0 unless you were fortunate enough to be present or be listening on the phone. I usually — correction — incessantly refresh the page to catch the “single-ization” of one’s profile. You know, they usually start off by changing their profile picture and slowly un-tagging themselves out of those once cute happy couple portraits. If they were ever really in love, they even remove one another from their “Interests” section. But what does a Facebook relationship (or lack thereof) mean anyway?

Relationships, like any other social aspect of human behavior, are complex and difficult to define. It has taken sociologists, psychologists and women decades to analyze, understand and even accept paradigms for discussing and comparing relationships. However, the Facebook Gods took it upon themselves to define all relationships into six distinct categories. Your options only include: Single, In A Relationship, Engaged, Married, In An Open Relationship, and It’s Complicated. Oh, and lest we not forget the ever nebulous “NO SELECTION” which simply hides the criteria from your profile… though often times giving more away than you probably had anticipated.

Open Relationship? What does that even mean? The relationship is open to interpretation? The relationship is open for a third party? The relationship is open for destruction? The relationship is open under creative licenses? In fact, it doesn’t even matter. The only people whom are listed in open relationships are female friends who think it’s cute and endearing. I never really understood its charm. If you find yourself in love with a girl who is listed as in an open relationship with another female, cut your losses and move on. This one is trouble and chances are she’s trying to avoid the entire commitment thing altogether.

Then again, what do I know?

Adieu. Navid.

Any resemblance between my views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient (the discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this discussion).

Now, with the legalese and disclaimer out of the way, I can finally start rambling. As I was saying earlier, there is a cute distinction between cheating and having an affair which you should be privy to. You see, cheating is more of a lustful activity which generally occurs between the hours of 1am and 4am (inclusively). It usually starts with a late night text message or an afternoon rendezvous. It involves one or more parties whom are breaking the social contract of exclusivity. The probability of getting pregnant while cheating is asymptotic to zero. Ultimately, cheating destroys families and ruins relationships but nothing you should be too distressed about. People will get over it. It’s just business.

On the other hand, affairs have a touch of romance and spice that is to be adorned and envied by all. An affair generally consists of dinners, movies and passionate love-making. You can easily detect an affair as most dialogue consists of: “This is wrong, we shouldn’t be doing this”, or “I love you” and, my personal favorite, “When did you say your divorce was going to be final?” The probability of getting pregnant while having an affair is directly proportional to the improbability of having an abortion. That is, the more difficult and complicated the situation may become with the introduction of a potential child — the higher chance that child will be conceived.

All affairs end the same way: one party wants the other to leave their relationship but it’s not so easy for the counterpart and ultimately matters become complicated because she’s pregnant. She’s killed by the man or the wife/girlfriend of the man. It’s justified because he was only cheating after all. If the woman was the one having the affair, she simply informs her significant other that she’s pregnant and it is his child. They live happily ever after. If the relationship was homogenous, then obviously it’s neither cheating nor an affair — it’s just a regular weekend.

In short, I hope I have illuminated the key differences between cheating and having an affair. And I hope you’ll be better equipped to identify your circumstance next time you find yourself infidel. If you have trouble remembering the differences, just commit to memory: cheating is the backseat, while having an affair is the frontseat.

Adieu. Navid.

Adieu. Navid.