The Internet however has managed to become the Great Equalizer™. In many ways, it is, at least pragmatically speaking, exactly what Lenin and Marx had envisioned. In the era of the Information Age, power is increasingly a function of information — not physical strength. To fortify this argument, peruse even the most mildly active forums to see that the most vocal, most respected and often times most domineering figures are nothing more than pipsqueaks with idle keyboards. This is a great thing. The balance of power has shifted from the pugnacious to the articulate. I can get behind that.

The unimaginable phenomena however is that the same paradigm shift is occurring off the Internet. People are reading, learning and educating themselves through a myriad of articles written by mere commoners. I call these people Wikipedia Scholars™. They can be spotted at any social function drinking a dirty martini (shaken, not stirred). They wear earth tones. They probably own an iPhone. They are obsessed with truth, politics and the Brady Bunch. They have a natural affinity for playing the devil’s advocate and a seemingly unrelenting supply of bad puns.

This appearance of intellectual superiority is not only clever but seemingly necessary in today’s socially connected world. These enterprising individuals have fully embraced social networking. They are on Facebook. They update their status. They even write clever photo captions. These people are you and I. You better not fall behind. Why not read something new and tell me what you learned?

Adieu. Navid.

I didn’t recognize the number — except for the fact that it was prime — but I answered it almost immediately anyway. There was a silence. I said, “Hello?” with the type of sheer confidence you gain only after treading water in the Nile for three days in a row. After a momentary pause, I heard a young girl — of about 25 with the most exotic and gorgeous eyes I could ever imagine, long beautiful silky black hair, and a white cardigan top — say “Hi.. is Mandy there?” The voice was sweet, honest and apologetic. I thought for a moment on how to reply. I was in love with this girl. I wanted to tell her but there was no chance of that without sounding over-bearing and slightly creepy. Instead, I opted for this classic line: “Sorry, I think you’ve got the wrong number.” She was confused. It was absolutely adorable. She bit her lip and inquisitively asked, “Wait, is this 949-xxx-xxxx?” I told her it was and has been for many years. In fact, I was surprised she hadn’t called sooner. She nodded and accepted her folly.

Her face was flushed with a rosey red glow. The shade and hue of red you get only after you’ve mistakenly called a handsome boy on a Sunday afternoon looking for a make-believe Mandy. She apologized again and I wished her good luck in her search. She let out an giggle of Angelic proportions. And just as quickly as it all began, it ended. It was me and the dial tone once more alone.

Adieu. Navid.

I’m Persian. My wardrobe predominately consists of black. I have eleven seemingly identical black t-shirts. However, I have a favorite and, yes I can tell them all apart. I have more than ten brands of cologne. My scent precedes me into any room. I only drink Vodka at the bar but I’d really just prefer some hot tea. I’m also quick to point out anyone who is even remotely Persian — be it famous or otherwise (like Andre Agassi, or say, Freddie Mercury).

There are, of course, cultural gluttons that I consciously attempt not to partake in. For example, driving a black BMW or Mercedes, spiking my hair, oversized Omega or TAG watches, owning three pairs of designer sunglasses, wearing anything gold, and last but certainly least, abrasively loud techno music. Nevertheless, I’ve come to love and accept who I am… so much so in fact, I believe I’ve been able to categorize all the Persian people I know into four distinct but equally fantastical categories:

Category Zero (or more affectionately known as FOBs): These are the Persians who have virtually zero non-Persian friends, who might speak unbelievably broken English and are so immersed in Persian culture they don’t even know the difference between irony and Irooni. Their favorite artists may include Shahram Shabpareh, Vigen and Reza Sadeghi. You can generally spot these Persians by their attempts to haggle prices at the local Safeway or Macy’s. In many ways, category zero Persians’ have never attempted to assimilate into Western culture… even after living in North America for 15+ years. They are always a great source of information about Iranian football, community gossip and upcoming local Persian concerts. They almost exclusively shop at Nordstrom and Express.

Category One: This category of Persians encompasses the half-assimilated. These Persians still predominately hang out with other Iranians, however, have some of their personality influenced and shaped by Western pop culture and media. They’re favorite artists might include The Fray, Benyamin, Mansour, and Maroon 5. They speak English without grammatical errors but are still more comfortable with Farsi. They almost exclusively shop at Nordstrom and Express.

Category Two: These Persians are very similar to category one Persians, however, most of their personality is influenced and shaped by Western culture. They probably have a 50/50 mix of Persian and non-Persian friends. Their favorite artists may include Radiohead, Goldfrapp, Googoosh, and Damien Rice. They are often more comfortable thinking and speaking in English but firmly hold on to, and are proud of, their Persian heritage. They participate in all cultural festivities and holidays even though they sometimes don’t really understand most of the traditions. They almost exclusively shop at Nordstrom and Express.

Category Three: It’s unfortunate to say but there is an increasing number of category three Persians. These are the people whom, if asked where they are from, will typical say “Toronto”, “LA” or just “England”. This lack of cultural identity can generally be attributed to two leading causes: (1) the political climate of Iran [today] is one where many try to cut ties instead of create them or, (2) they are second generation (or interracial) Persians who were either born outside of the motherland or simply moved here before their formative years without any cultural infusion. They almost exclusively shop at Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch.

There are many people who will vehemently argue and dispute my taxonomy, be offended by my sweeping generalizations or simply grow depressed because they’ll realize they, too, are not that special. However, having said that, I am open and willing to listen to any feedback to adjust or refine my categories accordingly.

Adieu. Navid.

There are few things in life which make me happier than realizing one of my friends has changed their relationship status. I personally prefer breakups — not just because I am an asshole — but because they are generally bittersweet. You have to understand that changing one’s relationship status on Facebook is almost like etching the fate of two star-crossed lovers in molten lava. It’s the next step of breakup. There’s the breakup, and then there’s the official Facebook breakup. I like to call it Breakup 2.0.

I am particularly fond of Facebook breakups because it gives relationship voyeurs like myself the chance to peg each couple’s demise down to a specific time. This was never possible in Breakup 1.0 unless you were fortunate enough to be present or be listening on the phone. I usually — correction — incessantly refresh the page to catch the “single-ization” of one’s profile. You know, they usually start off by changing their profile picture and slowly un-tagging themselves out of those once cute happy couple portraits. If they were ever really in love, they even remove one another from their “Interests” section. But what does a Facebook relationship (or lack thereof) mean anyway?

Relationships, like any other social aspect of human behavior, are complex and difficult to define. It has taken sociologists, psychologists and women decades to analyze, understand and even accept paradigms for discussing and comparing relationships. However, the Facebook Gods took it upon themselves to define all relationships into six distinct categories. Your options only include: Single, In A Relationship, Engaged, Married, In An Open Relationship, and It’s Complicated. Oh, and lest we not forget the ever nebulous “NO SELECTION” which simply hides the criteria from your profile… though often times giving more away than you probably had anticipated.

Open Relationship? What does that even mean? The relationship is open to interpretation? The relationship is open for a third party? The relationship is open for destruction? The relationship is open under creative licenses? In fact, it doesn’t even matter. The only people whom are listed in open relationships are female friends who think it’s cute and endearing. I never really understood its charm. If you find yourself in love with a girl who is listed as in an open relationship with another female, cut your losses and move on. This one is trouble and chances are she’s trying to avoid the entire commitment thing altogether.

Then again, what do I know?

Adieu. Navid.

I know what you’re probably thinking: “hey, those are some great ideas! I’d definitely pay for that!” — And that’s the problem. I don’t think Facebook should take its social responsibility lightly. We have entrusted it with the most intimate of details and status updates. We have uploaded the most compromising of photos. We’ve rallied behind unpopular political groups, followed embarrassing trends and memes, drunk-poked ugly people and even donated to a number of cancer drives. At its epitome of success, for Facebook to turn its back on us now would be a devastating blow to the reproductive culture of our generation and the social fabric by which we all live.

For these reasons and more, I urge the United States Government to intervene before it is too late. Facebook should be government regulated to ensure that no single corporation (let alone privately held company) have this much power over the youth of today. If you think my proposal is over-the-top, just imagine how many lives Facebook will destroy if it suddenly decides to close operations and shutdown. Couples would break up, infidelity would reach epidemic levels and no one would know what their friends were up to.

Adieu. Navid.

You better create or update yours today.

Adieu. Navid.