You’re Not That Special

As individuals, we like to think of ourselves as unique snowflakes in the boundless tundra that is humanity. The harsh reality, however, is that we are not unique. We are all a fluid combination of many factors including friends, family and most importantly, culture. Our opinions, thoughts and even our rebellions are often planned out in an exceedingly precise psychological model. Interestingly enough, the extent of which culture plays a role in my own life is becoming increasingly more apparent as I up-navigate the age ladder.

I’m Persian. My wardrobe predominately consists of black. I have eleven seemingly identical black t-shirts. However, I have a favorite and, yes I can tell them all apart. I have more than ten brands of cologne. My scent precedes me into any room. I only drink Vodka at the bar but I’d really just prefer some hot tea. I’m also quick to point out anyone who is even remotely Persian — be it famous or otherwise (like Andre Agassi, or say, Freddie Mercury).

There are, of course, cultural gluttons that I consciously attempt not to partake in. For example, driving a black BMW or Mercedes, spiking my hair, oversized Omega or TAG watches, owning three pairs of designer sunglasses, wearing anything gold, and last but certainly least, abrasively loud techno music. Nevertheless, I’ve come to love and accept who I am… so much so in fact, I believe I’ve been able to categorize all the Persian people I know into four distinct but equally fantastical categories:

Category Zero (or more affectionately known as FOBs): These are the Persians who have virtually zero non-Persian friends, who might speak unbelievably broken English and are so immersed in Persian culture they don’t even know the difference between irony and Irooni. Their favorite artists may include Shahram Shabpareh, Vigen and Reza Sadeghi. You can generally spot these Persians by their attempts to haggle prices at the local Safeway or Macy’s. In many ways, category zero Persians’ have never attempted to assimilate into Western culture… even after living in North America for 15+ years. They are always a great source of information about Iranian football, community gossip and upcoming local Persian concerts. They almost exclusively shop at Nordstrom and Express.

Category One: This category of Persians encompasses the half-assimilated. These Persians still predominately hang out with other Iranians, however, have some of their personality influenced and shaped by Western pop culture and media. They’re favorite artists might include The Fray, Benyamin, Mansour, and Maroon 5. They speak English without grammatical errors but are still more comfortable with Farsi. They almost exclusively shop at Nordstrom and Express.

Category Two: These Persians are very similar to category one Persians, however, most of their personality is influenced and shaped by Western culture. They probably have a 50/50 mix of Persian and non-Persian friends. Their favorite artists may include Radiohead, Goldfrapp, Googoosh, and Damien Rice. They are often more comfortable thinking and speaking in English but firmly hold on to, and are proud of, their Persian heritage. They participate in all cultural festivities and holidays even though they sometimes don’t really understand most of the traditions. They almost exclusively shop at Nordstrom and Express.

Category Three: It’s unfortunate to say but there is an increasing number of category three Persians. These are the people whom, if asked where they are from, will typical say “Toronto”, “LA” or just “England”. This lack of cultural identity can generally be attributed to two leading causes: (1) the political climate of Iran [today] is one where many try to cut ties instead of create them or, (2) they are second generation (or interracial) Persians who were either born outside of the motherland or simply moved here before their formative years without any cultural infusion. They almost exclusively shop at Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch.

There are many people who will vehemently argue and dispute my taxonomy, be offended by my sweeping generalizations or simply grow depressed because they’ll realize they, too, are not that special. However, having said that, I am open and willing to listen to any feedback to adjust or refine my categories accordingly.

Adieu. Navid.