Cheating, Affairs and Other Great Noble Things

I really wanted to title this entry Cheating, Affairs and Other Fun Things To Do Without Your Significant Other but frankly that’s just redundant and not as ironical as my current choice. It recently struck me that there’s a subtle distinction between cheating and having an affair. I suppose this may be self-evident to many but I only had this epiphany about relationships and infidelity the other day.But first, to clear my name, let me say that I’ve never cheated, had an affair, or told the truth… and here’s the full disclaimer drafted by my swat team of attorneys:

Any resemblance between my views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient (the discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this discussion).

Now, with the legalese and disclaimer out of the way, I can finally start rambling. As I was saying earlier, there is a cute distinction between cheating and having an affair which you should be privy to. You see, cheating is more of a lustful activity which generally occurs between the hours of 1am and 4am (inclusively). It usually starts with a late night text message or an afternoon rendezvous. It involves one or more parties whom are breaking the social contract of exclusivity. The probability of getting pregnant while cheating is asymptotic to zero. Ultimately, cheating destroys families and ruins relationships but nothing you should be too distressed about. People will get over it. It’s just business.

On the other hand, affairs have a touch of romance and spice that is to be adorned and envied by all. An affair generally consists of dinners, movies and passionate love-making. You can easily detect an affair as most dialogue consists of: “This is wrong, we shouldn’t be doing this”, or “I love you” and, my personal favorite, “When did you say your divorce was going to be final?” The probability of getting pregnant while having an affair is directly proportional to the improbability of having an abortion. That is, the more difficult and complicated the situation may become with the introduction of a potential child — the higher chance that child will be conceived.

All affairs end the same way: one party wants the other to leave their relationship but it’s not so easy for the counterpart and ultimately matters become complicated because she’s pregnant. She’s killed by the man or the wife/girlfriend of the man. It’s justified because he was only cheating after all. If the woman was the one having the affair, she simply informs her significant other that she’s pregnant and it is his child. They live happily ever after. If the relationship was homogenous, then obviously it’s neither cheating nor an affair — it’s just a regular weekend.

In short, I hope I have illuminated the key differences between cheating and having an affair. And I hope you’ll be better equipped to identify your circumstance next time you find yourself infidel. If you have trouble remembering the differences, just commit to memory: cheating is the backseat, while having an affair is the frontseat.

Adieu. Navid.