Facebook Should Be Government Regulated

It happens every time I open my Microsoft-powered web browser and enter the magical phrase: facebook dot com. I am overcome by an irrational fright and unbearable worry that the Facebook I know and love will eventually start to suck. I’m afraid they will allow others to change their colors and layout. I’m afraid they will allow people to buy elite memberships with special abilities like tracking who has visited your profile and other vain statistics (x number of people visited you from the y network in the past z days). I’m afraid they’ll allow the uploading of intrusive media which will automatically play each time I load someone’s profile. I don’t want to listen to your crappy music. I don’t want to see your abominable web design skills. I just want to stalk you with a user experience that is consistent and uniform through and through. Is that so much to ask?

I know what you’re probably thinking: “hey, those are some great ideas! I’d definitely pay for that!” — And that’s the problem. I don’t think Facebook should take its social responsibility lightly. We have entrusted it with the most intimate of details and status updates. We have uploaded the most compromising of photos. We’ve rallied behind unpopular political groups, followed embarrassing trends and memes, drunk-poked ugly people and even donated to a number of cancer drives. At its epitome of success, for Facebook to turn its back on us now would be a devastating blow to the reproductive culture of our generation and the social fabric by which we all live.

For these reasons and more, I urge the United States Government to intervene before it is too late. Facebook should be government regulated to ensure that no single corporation (let alone privately held company) have this much power over the youth of today. If you think my proposal is over-the-top, just imagine how many lives Facebook will destroy if it suddenly decides to close operations and shutdown. Couples would break up, infidelity would reach epidemic levels and no one would know what their friends were up to.

Adieu. Navid.