The No Bullshit, No Rhetoric, Quick and Dirty Cocktail Dating Handbook

Before we can begin our journey of enlightenment, I must digress that this handbook was written by a great man for the common man. I cannot risk our trade secrets becoming general knowledge among women, as it will surely render its effectiviness obsolete. Therefore, based on the honor system, if you are a woman please stop reading here. Thank you. May I suggest a parting gift for your troubles?

Now, with the ladies gone and entertained for the hour, let us begin with the first and most vital step to becoming a successful date. Step 1 is understanding all your weaknesses. Once you know what your weaknesses are, you can begin by hiding them because Lord knows there’s no help for you otherwise. Hiding your weaknesses may appear to be decietful but trust me, it’s for the best. Find a piece of paper and write down your three biggest weaknesses. They can be anything you consider to be a major disadvantage to your game. Write them down? Good, now carefully take the piece of paper and throw it out. You don’t have any weaknesses. Confidence or a shitload of money will get you everywhere in life.

Once you have established your date, make sure you keep a straight line of sight. That is, give her an unusually high amount of eye contact. This is the best way to keep women interested. Don’t look off to the sides as you talk to her, and definitely do not look to the sides while she’s talking to you. Look directly into her pulsating eyes. This is the best way to intimidate women. Remember, you are judging her equally as much as she is judging you. Therefore, don’t be afraid to make judgments and harsh first impressions if you think she is dumb.

Don’t be yourself. That’s just ridicolous. Be who you think you are. There’s a big difference.

If you can, find a restaurant that closes early. And try and get there about 30 mins to an hour before it closes. That way, when you’re both getting up, she’ll think your deep and meaningful conversation has outlasted the entire restaurant. Pay for the dinner. If she insists, settle the score by suggesting she pick up the tab next time. This is a crucial step. You should even offer to pay the bill even if you never want to see her again. By doing so, you are creating what businessman like to call contacts. And trust me on this, a $50 dinner for your yuppie-ass is well worth the return on investment. What investment, you say? You got a lot to learn. Keep reading.

Remember, dominate the conversation. You can always control the conversation by asking her questions you want her to ask you. This not only makes it seem like you are deeply interested in learning about her so-called personality, but also gives you a chance to talk about your fortés. Ultimately, you should control the conversation in such a way which hides your weaknesses as discussed earlier. This is probably the oldest book in the trick. Pretend you have some things in common but always act as an individualist. You need to have your own strong convictions and beliefs. You can’t over-do any of these things because then you come off as either an elitist prick or a spineless asshole. Remember, moderation is the key. You need to be agreeable but not predictable. It’s difficult, I know. But with enough practice, you’ll master it. In my humble opinion, this is the most difficult but most rewarding task.

So, by now you’ve managed to go out on a few nights and you’re feeling good about it. This is what I like to call the critical section of the relationship. This is when women are most malleable and fertile, too. You must do the following:

1. Be absolutely nice. Give her the compliments she needs, and just be a sweetheart. Do not be sappy or cheesy. Please, please, please! Think through the situation from her perspective. If it seems really romantic, it’s creepy. If it seems creepy, you’re in big fucking shit. I like to teach through examples, so I suggest you rent the following movies and watch them intently: The Notebook, Reality Bites, Can’t Buy Me Love.
2. Be indispensable. You need to drive home the point that she is better off with you and cannot afford to lose you. If you don’t believe that you are an asset, then why are you even wasting her time? You see, this is where that entire friendship thing throws off a lot of guys. If you are a girl’s best friend, then you pretty much know that — much like all her previous best friends — she can dispose of you when necessary. However, boyfriends get away with abuse and infidelity but women just can’t seem to shake them… the infamous “but I love him” syndrome. How do they do this? The women feel that they need and cannot live without them. Which, by the way, is total bullshit. But whatever — that’s an entirely different entry.
3. Be mysterious. This is probably one of the most important aspects of the hook, line and sinker. And unfortunately, one of the most overlooked aspects too. You cannot put all your cards on the table. A lot of men start off a first date by trying to give the girl all they got. This is a terrible plan. It leaves you without any material down the road. Relationships are like a long distance race, you can’t give it all you got. You’ll just burn out. You need to pace yourself. Similarly, leave out some awesome stories or attributes about yourself in the beginning of the relationship — so much so — that when you are in that critical section, those stories can come out and help you bring home the Gold.

How should you pace yourself? The first date has to be smooth. The second date can falter. The third date must sweep her. See? Hook, line and sinker… Smooth, falter and sweep. Same fucking thing.

If you are a man reading this, then you should now have the confidence and knowledge to succeed. If you are a women and reading this, then you should feel ashamed of yourself for disobeying my orders, breaking the honor system and once again proving that women never listen; just complain. And to think, my writing beat out Victoria’s Secret.

Adieu. Navid.