An Open Letter to An Asshole

I wrote the following letter to the kind kid who sits in front of me during ICS 143 (Principles of Operating Systems) but I couldn’t submit it because the network kept timing out. So, here it is… an open letter to an asshole:

Dear Asshole Who Sits In Front Of Me During ICS 143,

Generally, I am a man of few words. I keep to myself during classes and go about my daily business ignoring the days’ hoopla and drama to the best of my ability. But the events which unfolded on this tragic day cannot go unmentioned nor will usual inaction suffice. I must confess, in written form, my utter resentment for you and your lowly computing habits. I am a tolerant man, I am a belligerent man but as I sit behind you during the early morning hours of an 8am class I cannot help but notice the disparity you bring to my life and others. Now, I can deal with the fact that your head is exceptionally large and oddly shaped, often times blocking the very important details of the lecture slide. I can also deal with the fact that you retain a peculiar hint of a moist summer urine scent which you seem retract from your very pores. I can also accept the fact that you just don’t know how stupid you look in a nylon jacket and baseball cap. I am not one to judge you based on appearance, color or odor. In fact, I am not even one to judge you based on the fact that you use Internet Explorer as your primary browser. I’m not going to hold you responsibly for not knowing any better. But, please don’t think — not even for one second — that I don’t see you typing, browsing and clicking all day on your abomination of a laptop. I see you. I see what you do on those forums. I may not be able to read the Kanji characters as quickly as you can but nudity is a universal language, son. But hey, different strokes for different folks – I am not one to bombard you with any sort of righteous morale.

However, what I cannot simply comprehend is why you think it is perfectly okay to try and download a 2gb+ torrent off a wireless (802.11b) network. I see you getting 30kb/down and 20kb/up but that doesn’t make it okay for you to suffocate the wireless bandwidth with your hogwash anime movies. Yes, you heard me, hogwash. Now, generally, I’m all about privacy and personal computing. But I cannot stress this anymore: while you download a 2gb+ torrent off the same wireless network that the rest of the school is on, you are bringing not everyone else in the room but everyone else in near proximity of that node down to a screeching halt. Right now, I just tried to save this draft message but I almost lost it due to a network timeout — you good for nothing dill hole.

Pray tell our next encounter be not within dark alleys, Mr. I Torrent Wirelessly.

Yours truly,
The Handsome Kid Behind You

Adieu. Navid.