The Darkness (2002)

Directed by: Jaume Balaguero
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0273517/

I had a special day today. It was special because it’s not everyday you get to watch a movie which immediately falls into pretty much the number one spot of worst movies you have ever had to endure. But today was more than special, today I was inspired. I was inspired to start finishing my novel as soon as I could. I suppose sometimes it’s not the best things that inspire you, but rather, the worst. These past twenty-one years have been good to me and although I’ve watched my fair share of despicable, boring, formulaic, none sensual and simply terrible movies, there are few movies which are capable of conjuring all those negative emotions at once. Grabbing a hold of me from the very first scene and choking me lifeless until I lay there consciously stupefied as I walked dazed and confused passed the confession stand trying to figure out if there was anyway I could desperately not only get my two hours back but to purge the very existence of the motion picture from my feeble mind.

The Darkness (2002/2004) involves your typical haunted house which requires seven virgin children to be sacrificed for some odd-16th century satanic ritual. You know the usual. The cast includes the ragingly aggressive father, the peculiarly smart daughter who consistently unravels the truth regarding the spiritual realm, a strange son who is randomly beaten severely and the excessively uninvolved mother who simply patronized her smart daughter’s plea for help.

The days misfortune included, much against my own personal advice, literally throwing away two hours of my life to one of the most despicable, most formulaic, nonsensical, total waste of time movies I have ever watched in my entire life; without a doubt a true abomination. From the trailer, I knew this was going to be trash, but alas, “the crew” insisted that there were no lucrative alternatives and it was simply a matter of circumstance (read: time). And of course, every scary movie is required by law to contain that eerie bathtub/shower scene because it’s much scarier to die naked apparently.

Now, I’ve decided not to include spoilers, but should I complete my mission successfully, you shall be enlightened enough to refuse to never ever ever never ever never ever ever ever ever watch, let alone speak, utter or even think about The Darkness again. The Darkness embodies all that is wrong with Hollywood and Humanity.

Adieu. Navid.