Nobody Loves Pirates

Ouuch. Today, after work I decided to stop by the UC Irvine Health Services for the first time in my four year attendance. The drive over was hell. I felt like my ability to see the road waiver. At one point, I had to pull over and stop the car on the freeway shoulder. Fortunately, Brit was on the phone with me talking me through the entire ordeal.

I walked into the office rather puzzled and one-eyed. The nurse guided me through the white metal doors to a smaller room. She asked me seven-hundred and fourty-six different questions and then took some measurements; height, weight, penis size, blood pressure… the usual first visit tribes and tribulations. Then, I got to wait in a room labeled “Treatment Room A” for my doctor. He arrived, interrogated me once again and then proceeded to examine my poor left eye. He dropped a bunch of dye into my eye, let it sit, and then used UV rays to examine my cornea and whatnot. You know, I let him do his thang.

He discovered that I had a deep corneal abrasion, also known as a shallow ulcer on my left eye. We then went to another doctor, who was much older and much more suave, to examine my left eye again but this time with a large microscope type of thing. His medical jargon was far superior to the previous doctor, and he prescribed that I take Ciloxan, 4 times a day until my eye recovers. He told me the usual warnings, such as avoid outdoors as much as possible, avoid the beach especially, wear sunglasses outdoors and put minimal effort into your strenuous relationship.

45 minutes and $45 later, I was out the door with my medication and dignity; at least I didn’t have to wear a patch over my eye. Nobody loves pirates anymore.

I love health services. I would probably die without them someday.

Adieu. Navid.