Existential Fear

Today Matt asked me if I’ve ever experienced existential fear. You know the kind of fear which is not physical but rather gains its strength from the fact that you would more or less lose your reasons of existance if your fear would ever become a reality. Feeling overtly futile and hopeless are other such symptoms.

Without a moment’s hesitation, I chimed back with “Yes, actually, last night.” Seemingly puzzled with the rapidness of my reply inconjunction with the gravity of his, he assumed I was joking and/or being sarcastic. I preceded to explain the craziest thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life. When I say scary, I don’t mean.. ahh boogieman scary, I mean, existential fear.

So last night Stephanie, Nikki and I decide to hit up the Whole Enchilada to pay homage to our very dear and favorite Britni. I had some nice steak fajitas salad with a soup. Anyway, the point was, Stephanie and Nikki left after dinner and Britni and I stayed behind to hangout a bit before we headed home. Anyhow, we get on the road and we start driving home on Diamond Bar Blvd … (note: I, alone in my car and Britni alone in hers) … I’m following Britni at a safe distance while chatting (on my hands free) with my buddy J. We’re just talking and driving, no big deal. We approach a gradient turn in the road (to the right) and I completely watch Britni’s 1973 Camaro hit the curb, jump, and start driving on the center divider. Pause. Diamond Bar Blvd is 2 lanes each way with a 6-8ft center divider which not only hosts grass, but only is home to picket-fenced trees. Resume. Her Camaro starts flopping around on the uneven terran and starts moving left-to-right (though still not able to get back onto the surface road). I instinctively start honking because apparently honking my horn will magically save her from the oncoming trees. Anyhow, Britni finally is able to pull back onto the road. Fortunately, she did not collide with any of the trees because at about 55mph there would have been serious consequences.

So, I stop to make sure she’s okay. She’s sort of laughing / concerned. I guess for her it all happened so fast. She says that her wheel locked up and simply decided not to turn with the road. That is, highly understandable given the car is 31 years old. And unmarried, might I add. haha. Anyway, I was so relived that she was uninjured. I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a total sap — but the moment I saw her car dance out of control — I was so scared of losing her. It was the kind of existential fear — If I lose her, I have nothing left in this world — type of thing. I felt so helpless and scared. I mean, what would I have done if she had hit the tree and died? How could I even imagine life without her? How could something so innocent become so grave and deathfully life changing. It definitely opened my eyes and made me appreciate every moment that I have with her. A definite boost to a much needed raft.

î lôvé yôü, Brïtnè. Don’t ever leave me or die. Seriously.

Adieu. Nàvïd.