I just can’t win

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I just cannot win.

You told me that I never call you back and that hurts your feelings. You said that it makes you sick that after a fight on the phone, I can go to bed without worry. You said it makes you sad that I care the least about your feelings. Yet, here I am:

Writing about you after I called you back about 6-7 times (on different lines). I texted you another 10 times with light hearted comments and apologies. I talk to you on AIM attentively as your choices breaks my heart and ruins my night… and to top it off, you log off on me. Only to again, not respond to any of my phone calls.

I mean, I just can’t win. I wish I knew your rules because it seems that everything I do is wrong. Normally, I wouldn’t care — just like you think I don’t. Yet, inexplicably, I really do care. It drives me nuts. I incessently think about it and you. I rumage over what was said, what you replied.. and what I could have done differently. This sort of mental torture and rape just wiggles the dagger that was already buried in my stomach earlier today.

How often have you been in a bad mood and I’ve done everything to cheer you up? You sternly reply “It doesn’t cheer me up.” And I retort, quickly yet hopingly… “What would make you happier?” and as if you took heart and hope and just squeezed it with all your rage, you simply reply “Nothing.” I sit and stare blankly.

On the other side of the fence: I don’t have a great day. I’m upset and fedup to go to work. I’m tired and worn out. I just want to spend one afternoon with you. The many hours logged over the summer are taking it’s toll. I don’t treat you with the best attitude and I get reamed. During your upset, long paused remarks (at least they seem long to the worried man) you tell me “I did nothing but be sweet to you today and nothing cheered you up. I’m just worn out”.

Hmm. I guess you know about the double standard. I guess I should have known about it too. But, honestly, babe: I hate it. I hate the fact that you can get away with things that I cannot and that you will not allow. It’s not fair. I don’t play within the context of the rules — and I get burned and punished.

One would assume that will all this apparent hatred, sadness, depression and anxiouty. I should or would leave. But, frankly, I’m not going anywhere. And that’s merely because I cannot live with you. I love you well past the point it where hurts. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I may be part of your life, but you are my life. I don’t know how to live without you and I don’t ever want to find out.

You always casually remark, “you know I’m not going anywhere” — and you know what? I believe you when you say it. But, I just can’t figure it out… if you’re not leaving me despite my inability to comprehend how you work — then why do you let them upset you as much as it does? Wouldn’t we all be happier if you just let a few things go? You know that I’m quick to temper in that silent inaudible way. But you also know that if you let things go, I cool down rapidly. I’m quick to boil and quick to cool down.

Unfortunately, by the time I cool down — it’s too late. You’re too upset and you can’t get your spirits up. It really ruins your night. I really am trying not to be so short fused. I really am. And the only reason I want to change is because it has a negative affect on you. Fuck everyone else. You’re it for me. Why do I continue to write this ever so ridiculous, embarrasing and melodramatic entry? I do know you will read this. I even know exactly what you’ll say or react to most of the parts. Yet, I still insist of writing and publishing it.

Maybe I should hit the X right now. Turn off the lights, and computer and go to bed. But something in the bottom of my mind.. or is it my heart? I feel that there might be a slight chance that you’re already on the freeway. That you’ve made up your mind to come see. That I’ll see you and hold you and that everything will be perfect again. You hold a formidable amount of power over me. Something that nobody has ever had. Not even my own mother.

You’ve tamed the untameable and you’re truly loving the truly unlovable. Nobody said it was easy. But I will do my best to make it easier on you.

I love you with all my heart.

Adieu. Navid.